Today was the fifth of twelve sessions teaching poetry to a group of incarcerated teenage girls.
It's killing me. Not just the work, which is emotionally draining, but it is killing my spirit. My confidence is melting.
We had a new student today and she loves to talk and loves to be the center of attention. Major extrovert. Good for her but hard to teach around, especially with little backup from the teacher. Because she was new, the rest of the girls in the class were more interested in hearing her stories than doing their work. I brought in chocolate as a treat for the end of the day and their comment to that, "Whatever. I don't care."
We did the word courage as a group poem. It took twice as long than usual. I read to them from Ruth Gendler's book, The Book of Qualities. It should have been a nice lead from the emotions we did with the group poem but when I asked them to write one of their own they all said, "I don't get it. Can we do something else?"
We watched Sarah Kay perform her wonderful poem HANDS and managed about a two minute discussion on hands before they wrote their own. Only one person wanted to share.
I gave up and moved to art, asking them to trace their hands and decorate them, telling them it would be some of the art we would use to decorate the poetry collection we were building. I brought in lovely zentangle hands and encouraged them to try some tangles. Nope. Not a one.
The entire day the new student was up and walking around, going over to read the other student's work, constantly in motion, constantly talking (but she did do the work.) No matter what I said, she couldn't keep still for long. The teacher finally said something.
Something happened with one girl. She was called out of the room and when she came back she just slumped in her chair and cried. I couldn't ask why but I offered her paper and encouraged her to write about it. I told her she could tear it up when she was done. She just nodded, clutched the pencil tightly in her fingers, and continued to cry.
I don't know what else to do to try and reach them. They won't talk, won't interact so the time just stretches on and on.
This is hitting every single one of my insecurities. 7 more sessions to go. I have no idea what I will use to fill the time.
It's killing me. Not just the work, which is emotionally draining, but it is killing my spirit. My confidence is melting.
We had a new student today and she loves to talk and loves to be the center of attention. Major extrovert. Good for her but hard to teach around, especially with little backup from the teacher. Because she was new, the rest of the girls in the class were more interested in hearing her stories than doing their work. I brought in chocolate as a treat for the end of the day and their comment to that, "Whatever. I don't care."
We did the word courage as a group poem. It took twice as long than usual. I read to them from Ruth Gendler's book, The Book of Qualities. It should have been a nice lead from the emotions we did with the group poem but when I asked them to write one of their own they all said, "I don't get it. Can we do something else?"
We watched Sarah Kay perform her wonderful poem HANDS and managed about a two minute discussion on hands before they wrote their own. Only one person wanted to share.
I gave up and moved to art, asking them to trace their hands and decorate them, telling them it would be some of the art we would use to decorate the poetry collection we were building. I brought in lovely zentangle hands and encouraged them to try some tangles. Nope. Not a one.
The entire day the new student was up and walking around, going over to read the other student's work, constantly in motion, constantly talking (but she did do the work.) No matter what I said, she couldn't keep still for long. The teacher finally said something.
Something happened with one girl. She was called out of the room and when she came back she just slumped in her chair and cried. I couldn't ask why but I offered her paper and encouraged her to write about it. I told her she could tear it up when she was done. She just nodded, clutched the pencil tightly in her fingers, and continued to cry.
I don't know what else to do to try and reach them. They won't talk, won't interact so the time just stretches on and on.
This is hitting every single one of my insecurities. 7 more sessions to go. I have no idea what I will use to fill the time.
There are so many stories only you can tell.Tell them, please.
Who am I?I was born on the Cancer/Leo cusp and share a birthday with Ernest Hemingway and Robin Williams. The similarities don't stop there as I can go from depressed to ecstatic without ever passing go. I feel scared most of the time though my friends call me brave and I find it easier to believe in my friends than to believe in my own abilities to make what I want out of my life.
Who am I? A wife, a mother, a daughter, and even, gulp, a grandmother.
Who am I? A writer who never gets tired of playing with words, even when the words are hard to find. A writer of books for children and articles for grown-ups and many things in-between.
Who am I? A motivational speaker, writing instructor, workshop leader and full-time follower of dreams.
Who am I? Read and find out.
Susan Taylor Brown
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"Successful writers are not the ones who write the best sentences. They are the ones who keep writing. They are the ones who discover what is most important and strangest and most pleasurable in themselves, and keep believing in the value of their work, despite the difficulties."
--Bonnie Friedman
"As writers, we must be willing to feel our sadness, our anger, our terror, so we can reach in and find our sweet vulnerability that is just sitting there waiting for us to come back home."
--Nancy Slonim Aronie
"Writers write about what obsesses them. You draw those cards. I lost my mother when I was 14. My daughter died at the age of 6. I lost my faith as a Catholic. When I'm writing, the darkness is always there. I go where the pain is."
--Anne Rice
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Comments
Pick something you feel comfortable sharing. Then frame it kind of like this:
"This isn't really working out, is it? Have you ever felt like no matter what you do or how hard you try, you just can't seem to make things work? Of course you have, you're incarcerated. I really want this to be a positive experience for you during your time here. I admit, I get a lot out of the experience when it goes well. But I get to go home at the end of each day. Sure, I feel a little bummed out when these sessions fall flat on their face, but in the end, it doesn't really change my life. Feeling hopeless and not caring DOES negatively impact YOU, though. How can you hope to overcome what is going on now and make positive change in your life if you won't even try to find success in the smallest of tasks? I get to go home. I can do what I want. Try doing what you can now, even in these circumstances that feel so dire, so you can start down a path of success for your own future."
Maybe it's kind of Pollyanna, but what most kids in tough situations need is for adults to be honest and real with them.
~laurie kolp
I know how hard this is for you. You are right when you say they can sense your insecurities and they are playing on those. That is just what they do. One thing you have over them right now is you get to go home at the end of the sessions they can't. I would not be able to do what you are doing. They do not deserve your time and attention. You deserve so much better but I also know that you will not give up no matter how hard it gets but you will also be just as equally glad when this experience is over. I guess they just don't get it, the concept of what words can actually do for you. Really though I think they just don't get the whole concept of life and therefore you will always be fighting a losing battle,
There is one consolation there is an end in sight a light at the end of the tunnel the sessions will eventually be over and yes life as we know it goes on with or without them.
I guess they are scared to try because as sad as it is most of them maybe cannot see a life beyond their incarceration and that is maybe the reason. Why should they try? What do they have to look forward to? That is what I perceive is the problem. Absolutely nothing to do with you.
Too bad you can't take in a DVD or something. Show them how some people in the real world live I mean the ones living there lives against all odds. I guess even then they would not even care. After all life is all about them isn't it.
- Anne McKenna PS Challenge excepted whatever or whenever that may be.
It is hard. Really hard.
I think they just don't see the point. They don't see that it will make any different in their lives at all. It won't make their time go any easier.
Whilst I have also seen the other side of the coin. Some people who live terribly tragic lives and some fighting for their very existence. Fighting as hard as they can to keep going. Whilst there are others that despite everything just think the world owes them everything and they give nothing back. It just makes me both sad and angry. I would give any one of these pathetic girls the chance to walk in my shoes for just 1 day. They made choices to be where they are today. I didn't and I am still making the best of it which is all I can do. Which is what they should do too.
So I really feel for you, I think you are fighting a losing battle. It is definitely their loss not yours you do a great job.
- Anne McKenna
I agree so much with Anne...you are doing fabulous things here...just believe in yourself...we all do...Janet
Anne
Those girls are in a very bad place and it's unfortunate the teacher isn't more supportive of what you're doing (in terms of helping keep girls in check so you can do your lessons). I know from experience that all it takes is one kid to lead the entire class in another direction. I had a girl like that in my first year of teaching and it was crazy for a while but she ended up being one of my most devoted students who reached whole new levels. You don't have the daily connection with these girls so it's even harder. But what you do have is a giving spirit, and that is with you each and every session.
I wonder if you could sit down and talk to them, let them know what you want for them and then give them the chance to say what they want for themselves and their lives. Maybe you'll all find a point of intersection that will help you all map out a mutual goal. Maybe they'd feel more of a sense of ownership in the sessions if they had a say in what happened, and then would make more of an effort. (I'm not at all implying you're acting as a dictator in there, only that maybe a direct conversation might put you all on a better path together).
No matter what, Susan, you have my support and admiration.
I've been pondering today what I might be able to share with them, more of my own story that may or may not connect them. All I can do is keep trying. But it ain't easy.
I have no advice for you as I am not a teacher. But I did want you to know that I think you are an amazing woman for taking on this task. I hope you find the girls in a different mood next time.
I never really expect to ever break through so I'm always surprised when I do. I think the thing that is the toughest about this group is the absolute apathy of the group. Hostility is so much easier to deal with. The boys are daring me to make them care. But these girls, these broken girls, it's different. Some of them have just given up. You can see it so clearly. Some of them have walls so thick I don't know that they will ever let them down. And I can understand that. Some of them have had horrible things happen to them.
And you're right, of course, all I can do is keep showing up and keep sharing.
I really appreciate your thoughtful response. It's helped me feel better. Thank you.
You can't help anyone if they don't want to be helped. It's frustrating and sad. I hope things go better for you. But here is something else for you to think about. You may very well be reaching them. They just don't want you, or anyone else, to know it. (They don't want to appear weak or give power to someone else over them.) So even if you reach just one of them, your time is worth it, even if you never know you reached them. *hugs*
*hugs* to you for doing this and for sticking through it, even through all of the toughness. You're stronger than you realize.