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  • August 27th, 2008 | 7:53 AM
mothers and daughters

Today is my daughter's 26th birthday.

I don't know where she is. 

Somewhere in California, near Sacramento in order to be close to her son, my grandson. It's his birthday today too, his 4th, which coincides with exactly how many times I have seen him. He calls someone else grandma. I am just the face of a stranger.

My daughter struggles with things. Some things she can control and other things she can't.

I struggle too. How to be a mom to someone who is struggling with so many things I can't control.

I used to try.

I tried so much, so hard, and for so long that things got broken in me and I had to let go before I got too broken to ever be put back together again.

I look back in time and try to figure out when it was that things started to unravel for her. Was she always slightly out of step or was it the divorce that pushed her into a cyclone she can't seem to break free of, no matter how hard she tries? And of course on those days I decide to blame the divorce what I am really doing is blaming myself.

I hear from other people that my grandson is a good boy, a happy child who loves the water and, thankfully, books. I am grateful for these glimpses into his life. He lives with his dad and his other grandma so I know that he is safe and well cared for. His great grandmother is stronger than I am and sees him each week. Sometimes she sends pictures and I am grateful for that as well. I logon to MySpace and check his dad's page where, if I am lucky, I will a recent picture of him swimming in the lake.

No doubt someone will remind me that I could build a relationship with my grandson apart from everyone else and perhaps, as he gets a bit older, I can. But for now, considering the path we have all been on (and fallen off of time and time again) this is the best I can do. 

Today is my daughter's 26th birthday. 

I don't know where she is.

I hope she is safe and warm. I hope she has food to eat. I hope she knows where to go to get help and I hope she gets the help that she needs.

Most of all I hope she remembers how much I love her and believe in her ability to pick herself up one more time and get on the right track.

Happy birthday, Jennifer.
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There are so many stories only you can tell.Tell them, please.



Comments

( 59 comments — Leave comment )
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artistq
August 27th, 2008 04:03 pm (UTC)
letting go is the hardest thing a mother needs to do. I hope you have peace and healing.
susanwrites
August 27th, 2008 04:24 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
norda
August 27th, 2008 04:03 pm (UTC)
That's a hard situation, both to be in and to observe.

I feel for you.
susanwrites
August 27th, 2008 04:25 pm (UTC)
It sure as heck is. Thank you.
boreal_owl
August 27th, 2008 04:13 pm (UTC)
Hugs.
susanwrites
August 27th, 2008 04:26 pm (UTC)
Thanks.
lkmadigan
August 27th, 2008 04:17 pm (UTC)
Oh, Susan.

susanwrites
August 27th, 2008 04:26 pm (UTC)
Yep.
lisa_schroeder
August 27th, 2008 04:19 pm (UTC)
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers today, Susan. {{{}}}
susanwrites
August 27th, 2008 04:26 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Lisa.
tamra_wight
August 27th, 2008 04:28 pm (UTC)
Hugs Susan.

to you and your daughter
susanwrites
August 30th, 2008 12:04 am (UTC)
thanks.
jenny_moss
August 27th, 2008 04:29 pm (UTC)
Hugs, Susan.
susanwrites
August 30th, 2008 12:04 am (UTC)
Thank you. I appreciate the hug.
akamarykate
August 27th, 2008 04:30 pm (UTC)
There's a special kind of strength in letting go, when holding on is only making the situation worse. I hope you and your daughter both have moments of peace and real joy today, large or small.
susanwrites
August 30th, 2008 12:05 am (UTC)
Thanks. I don't feel very strong lately.
tamarak
August 27th, 2008 04:31 pm (UTC)
Wishing you strength, peace, and hope.
susanwrites
August 30th, 2008 12:05 am (UTC)
I really appreciate your wishes. thank you.
janni
August 27th, 2008 04:32 pm (UTC)
Hugs.
medwriter
August 27th, 2008 04:32 pm (UTC)
{{{{Hugs}}}}

My thoughts are with you today.
susanwrites
August 30th, 2008 12:08 am (UTC)
Thank you very much.
lorrainemt
August 27th, 2008 04:35 pm (UTC)
Oh Susan, hugs to you and Jennifer.
susanwrites
August 30th, 2008 12:08 am (UTC)
Thanks so much.
jeannineatkins
August 27th, 2008 04:35 pm (UTC)
Oh, Susan.

You are brave and strong. Sorry you have to be that so much.
susanwrites
August 30th, 2008 12:10 am (UTC)
thanks. I don't feel brave and strong/
kidlit_kim
August 27th, 2008 04:38 pm (UTC)
Hugs. What a painful place to be in, for all of you.
susanwrites
August 30th, 2008 07:37 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Kim.

Your pic made me smile.
slatts
August 27th, 2008 04:38 pm (UTC)
it ain't teaser tuesday...
...it's the real deal. wow.

it's no wonder you wrote pain so well in your book. you live it.

let me join the others in sending you the best healing vibes possible knowing quite well it's going to take a lot more than well-wishing e-mail.
susanwrites
August 30th, 2008 12:11 am (UTC)
Re: it ain't teaser tuesday...
yeah, a bit too much of the real deal but it is what it is.

The healing vibes are always a good thing. thank you.
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( 59 comments — Leave comment )
WHO AM I?



Who am I?I was born on the Cancer/Leo cusp and share a birthday with Ernest Hemingway and Robin Williams. The similarities don't stop there as I can go from depressed to ecstatic without ever passing go. I feel scared most of the time though my friends call me brave and I find it easier to believe in my friends than to believe in my own abilities to make what I want out of my life.

Who am I? A wife, a mother, a daughter, and even, gulp, a grandmother.

Who am I? A writer who never gets tired of playing with words, even when the words are hard to find. A writer of books for children and articles for grown-ups and many things in-between.

Who am I? A motivational speaker, writing instructor, workshop leader and full-time follower of dreams.

Who am I? Read and find out.






Susan Taylor Brown

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--Anne Rice

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